You are in a dialectic when you're telling yourself that something (like an emotion) that is happening ought not to happen. The feeling is taking place, but you just really, really want it to be different or have a hard time tolerating it.

Both are true at the same time - you feel that way, AND you want it to be different.

When it happens, people often find themselves in squabbles that they have a hard time resolving, Sometimes one person will give in for the sake of making the argument go away, but secretly inside might feel like the other person is wrong. It can be painful for both people, and when it happens a lot can make relationships almost unbearable.

Once many years ago I had a dog that died.

We had a funeral for him on Easter Sunday morning, and buried him in the back yard.

I was very sad - crying, missing him. He was a good dog, and I really loved him. And then later that day I was playing with my friend and it was like I had forgotten all about him.

When I noticed that I had forgotten, I wondered how I could be so sad in the morning, and then be so carefree in the afternoon. I felt guilty, like if I really loved him I would be sad all the time.

"Maybe it means I didn't love him," I thought. But the fact was I really did love him, and I wasn't sad in the afternoon. Both were true at the same time.

Synthesis

Synthesis is about resolving tension in a dialectic. And here resolving means really resolving, not fake-resolving just to make the fight go away. Fake-resolution doesn't work...it leads to resentment, poor self-esteem, further fighting; all in all tough outcomes.

Real resolution involves making a greater truth out of opposing forces in a dialectic. Often resolution of dialectic tension involves the question, "What's being left out here?" When it's between two people, it involves honoring and validating what is true in the other position without abandoning the truth in your point of view.

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